Brownness

First Train

Sanjay Sabarwal

One of the main joys of my life is introducing Zyan to new experiences that hopefully form a strong foundation of childhood memories for him. That and the fact they feel new to him strongly motivates me to keep find things for us to do. After many months, we were finally able to take him from the Artic Station in Anaheim to San Juan Capistrano. If you haven’t taken a train from the Anaheim station, you are in for a treat. Its a beautiful piece of architecture, and long escalators that Zyan absolutely adored. While we barely made it on time, slight train delay allowed us to take breath and take in the sights of Zyan’s first train station. The pick was strategic as my friends at Crossfit informed me that the train station in San Juan is next to a historic district with a park, restaurants and cafes all within walking distance, meaning there would no need for a car seat.

Watching Zyan’s widened gaze as the train approached made my heart flutter, and the smile on my wifes face even broader. As we climbed aboard, he immediately got on the chair to peer out of the large bay windows. The 40 minute train ride went by fast, and we both agreed that next time we would leave in the morning as one of the main limitations for riding on the weekends are the limited times for departures and arrivals which I admit I spent far too much time stressing over. Because once we arrived, we managed to a great place to eat, but the dessert was Zyan meeting another boy at the nearby park and running around with him. The father then informed us about the next time we take the train to take it all the way to San Clemente as the train rides next to the beach and drops off you next to the pier! And just like that, we had had future train ride planned.

One of my goals is to do all the things that I didnt get to do when I was younger, but through no fault of my parents. Mom and Papa did what they could but providing for 3 kids in a new country meant that they spent a whole of time navigating on ensuring there was a roof over our heads. But to be fair, we also had plenty of things we did with others, and gatherings such as picnics, house dinners, music, laughter, dancing, all the things I wish to impart onto Zyan hopefully with a wider net. The train also meant a chance to see it through my son’s gaze, and it transformed from a form of a transportation to a great way to explore Southern California. I, for one, cannot wait for our next ride!

Brownness

This is 54

Sanjay Sabarwal

Already in February and beginning my 55th year, it feel surreal to hear the number. It cant be possible that I am now middle aged, an old man. Where did the boy from Jordan High who got into UCLA them Americorps then SCALE at Southwestern University School of Law go? He is now a father of a 3 year old, an attorney who does mostly employment and family law. He cannot help but wonder what the young Sanjay would say. Where the record label go? the music store? the events? the South Asian artists? The Planet Bhangra series? The first half of my life a blur in a way, and looking back it can be hard to reconcile with the person that I am now. It feels crazy to even say the name Desipalooza or Club Karma or Bruin Bhangra afterparty or the best of them all: Ziba Music.

Just the names get me shaking my head in amazement. At that time, that was my world not Zyan rules my soul in a way I didn’t think possible. First the beautiful wife, then the gorgeous son, and then surrounded by so many well wishers its almost hard to see the naysayers near me, the ones who doubted me or called me out for not getting to the top when all the while the journey was always more important to me rather than the destination. Because even now if I feel like I have reached the end, it truly would mean the end of me. So now there are scenarios for what to do at home, at work, of how to grow in multiple ways not just financial.

Yet there doubts still remain, the feeling of not being enough, of not doing enough, of not husbanding or fathering or lawyering enough. The imposter syndrome radiates out into the world most days but now at least I have tools to rein myself in rather than drowning in a sea of regret and self loathing. This is what 54 looks like. I have an actual skills to ensure that even while skidding I ride into the slide to control it rather than just be determined by it. Yes the 21 year old speaks loud but now he is muted by the actions of this fifty four year old. No longer subject to the whims and anxieties of that scrawny boy, this Sanjay now has a routine, a gym to call his workout home, and accountability and mastermind groups to keep him in check. A son who calls him PAPA, a constant reminder that no matter what the number, there will be someone who sees me as their parent. And that becomes my foundation for the year. This is 54.

Brownness

Trigger

Sanjay Sabarwal

Recently, I received a video which took me back to a painful moment in my life. It was a strange feeling as the person who sent the message had no idea. Their intent was to create another action, but instead I time travelled back to a time I no longer wished to remember. It made me into that child who saw things in a way that he wished he could change. Just a few moments into the video, and I turned it off but the past burned through my soul.

I tried sharing with someone what the message triggered, but in my effort to keep it vague, it most likely sailed over the persons head. To be fair, they were dealing with the contents of the video, and were not in a position to hear about my past trauma. A common theme in my life. Quiet for so long that when I do share, it is far often way too late for anyone to support me, or done here on these posts where it feels like I am just speaking to myself.

Yet putting words down to feelings is hard work when so much of my past remains unprocessed. It’s just easier to remain stoic, quiet, silent, letting time pass by, and help bury the past deeper and deeper. That strategy served me in the past but as a father now, I am not so sure that is the way to go. That is not what I want to teach Zyan. Pretending all is okay does no one good because sooner or later, you will be transported back to that helpless boy who experienced something that fractured a bond which took decades to heal.

So this year gets to be different, the way I handle the past gets to be explored, and shared, and even if the people don’t get it, I will form the words so that my son understands on how to deal with pain, past and perseverance. I may be a cliche, but that doesn’t mean the mold cannot be broken.

Brownness

3

Sanjay Sabarwal

And just like that Zyan turned 3. A blissful blur of 1095 days of us getting the joy that is Zyan. It boggles my mind that we have blessed with so much of him. That’s not to minimize the hard days or the days where you hear your parents tone when speaking with him, but the privilege to even do that is one that runs through our veins. Us. As Parents. The gratitude overflows to cover the days when there is frustration or helplessness because we are also lucky to be surrounded by so many who offer us support, give us a path forward, and there is each of us where we partner to allow an expansion of time for rest for the other, to be sure that not one is stuck doing all the things or doing the same things.

So we alternate, we pass him like a baton because in the end, the destination will matter now how we got there. And 3 years done, poof just like that. It’s hard to imagine days without him when his voice didn’t fill the home or bring such utter joy to those who love him and the lighting up of the eyes. It are those moments that provide the fuel for us to keep going to keep loving to keep growing with him. To celebrate his milestones along with ours. His birthday a reminder of our trip around the sun, 3 blazing stars orbiting together, while the 2 bigger ones ensure he doesn’t veer off into the unknown.

As we begin the 4th revolution, it’s important to parse the lessons, to get better, be around, to teach, to learn, to ensure the time spent is worthwhile and not lost in regret. These reminders more for myself than anyone else. I cannot wait to see what the new year will bring for him, and for us.

Happy Birthday Zyan!

Brownness

Cousins

Sanjay Sabarwal

This past weekend my wife’s cousin came down to visit us for Halloween, and spend time with family. Friday was a nice night of trick or treating for Zyan with his cousins and loved ones, and then the night ended with hanging at brother in law’s for his birthday which gave me a moment to take stock to see my wife hanging out with her friends and cousins and seeing Zyan do the same, and it hit me that much of younger social memories were of my own cousins, learning from them, loving them, and taking it for granted they would be social circle.

Perhaps to an outsider it may be strange, but my wife ‘s and my own family allowed us to have a foundation of trust with those who are almost like siblings but with breaks. We experienced vacations, fights, make ups, playtime, and talking with people who accepted us just as we were, and I think that allowed me to grow a bit safer than usual. What I mean is that all of us had someone we connected with, someone we could share things with that we perhaps couldn’t with others, and I think that meant a deeper trusted relationship that went beyond just blood.

Being nosy, I stared at Zyan and his cousins run around like screaming banshees, and in those moments, it warms me to know that besides us he has a deeper pool of family that he can swim to for comfort, for understanding, to be plain silly with. Besides the cousins, he also has their parents who dote on him like he is their own, and that just warms me in a familiar way because I grew in the same manner as if there were multiple set of parents to take care of us.

The weekend already a blur of activity and exhaustion, add daylights, and my son’s continually asking where Ezra is means that yet another brick was laid for his future safety of love, of connection, of being around others who get him right away. And it makes the tiredness totally worth it because we can take comfort in the fact that he will always be surrounded by those who love him unconditionally!

Brownness

Joshua Tree

Sanjay Sabarwal

This last weekend, Zyan, myself and the wife made our first trip to Joshua Tree with a lot of our family members. The plan was to stargaze but while Zyan only lasted about 15 minutes for that event, but in return, we got a magical two days where he got to spend time not only with his grandmother, aunts, and uncles but also with his cousins, and for us that’s what truly mattered. While the family planned the trip a while ago, we jumped on last minute as a surprise, and that was the seasoning that made these past few days so delicious for us all.

Were there challenges? Of course, but in the end it was all worth it. To see the massive smiles when he walked in made the 3 hour drive feel like nothing. Credit has to go to my wife who convinced us to go last minute and to not tell anyone. While uncertain as to how Zyan would handle things, I am glad we threw everything together quickly and headed out. I know for sure that this will be a memory all of will cherish and talk about and remind Zyan when he is oder how fun and difficult he made things during that time.

But more than anything his peals of laughter, the full joy of being in a jacuzzi with us and his cousins, the constant playing games with my brother in law, the endless kisses he got from my sister, the smile on my moms face seared onto my heard a memory to replay in later days. I also now have the urge to take him back when he is older to behold the splendor that is our universe. I saw for the first time through a high powered telescope, the craters on the mood and the rings of Saturn, and the curiosity and excitement it elicited in me is one I wish to replicate in his mind and heart. I was 53 years old when I did this, and for him I hope it’s at 5.

For once, Monday felt like a coming home a very long but wonderous journey, one filled with so much activity and emotion, and I cannot wait for our next destination when we do this all over again.