Sanjay Sabarwal's Blog

Last night my in laws lost their beloved Mamba. I hate to admit it but my first thought was that Bella now had company as they spent many years together. A black pug and a white Maltipoo, they completed our worlds in a way that’s hard to describe. We got decades of their love and affection, and in return they embedded themselves into our hearts in a way that ensures they will always be there.

It was easy to believe they would always be around, and even though they aged and walked slower, our love didn’t lessen any else and neither our belief that they would be around for a long time. I am the first to admit that it was much easier to believe in that fantasy rather than feel the sharp sharp pain and emptiness of never hearing the click clack of their feet on the wooden floors. Easier to not think about the quiet that now surrounds each house. They filled the places around them with a warm presence that we took for granted sometimes.

It is incredibly hard to say goodbye, and so I prefer see you later. I look forward to playing with them again, gently stroking them, having them cuddle nearby or on me, and perhaps kiss their noses again. I dont know what to offer my wife and in laws except the knowledge to always share the funny stories, the happy times that Mamba brought them. To know they did right by him every single day. Their devotion to him was truly inspiring, and I pray that with time they have solace and that realization that it was a blessed relationship like none other. Each side did their part, and now its time to remember him always. Just like we do others.

Its hard to believe that half of 2026 is officially over. When I look back, it still feels like I am at the beginning of things, and that’s because I am for some of the things I’d planned, but then there was so much other progress in unexpected ways. I became a power user of Claude and while I was team Chat GPT, I cannot fathom going back. I am sure this will be true if I switch to another AI or software. Yet I also know that constant switching doesn’t always serve me. Sometimes, you have to stick with things rather than move on to the next shiny thing. I know I get attracted to something, but then don’t use fully or deeply and then become frustrated. One of things I am proud of is my curiosity, but one of the things I am frustrated by is my wanting to know and understand things immediately rather than do the work to get a fuller picture.

So I begin the second half of 2026, I go in with the knowledge that I now have the tools to get me a clearer and calmer picture. It also means that I get to recommit to my habits that have supported me in the past. One of the things that has become a struggle is the 5am class. While before I couldn’t imagine doing it, now that is the only time I can do it and if I don’t, it means a day without a workout. And slowly, this I have slipped from going 5 days a week to most weeks barely twice. This is concerning in a way but in other ways its also great feedback because work has suddenly become far more intense and mentally demanding. No longer do I have the luxury to go during or after work because there are far more important things waiting for me like my family.

There are things still that still remain in my heart and not on a goal post. Things that I still fail at even though I remind myself daily. Like learning to teach my son. Remembering to acknowledge my partner who spends far more time with him and has been such a positive influence in his personality and mannerisms. Sharing my struggles or my insecurities with others not just lost inside my head. Learning to channel my negative emotions into healthier actions rather than giving into them and damaging or wounding those around me.

And so tomorrow begins the second part to this year, and a chance to make this an even more memorable year, to teach, to learn, to grow, to do the right thing, to implement, to heal, to be there for others and not just be lost in my dreams. Thank you for the lessons 2026, I will use them to make you one for the books.

This past weekend we planned to take the train to a place we had been to before but wanted to revisit to fully experience it. At first, the day looked to be a disaster as we missed the train by one whole minute. We waved to the conductor who looked at us disinterestedly as he passed us right back on the track. Normally, this would been an entire change in plans or cancellation by my wife wasn’t having it, and instead just got us all in the car and got us San Juan Capistrano Mission District so we could stroll around in the historic Los Rio area. The sun perfectly followed us around as we took Zyan around. He loved Trevors at Tracks which is built right next to the train station so one can train watch. It allowed him to run from train box to train box the the restaurant has, his mind blown that we were eating inside there.

And then came the best part as we discovered an entirely new area which featured multiple restaurant Anaheim Packing District style, a brewery and several massive lawn areas designed for kids to run around. As we took in the scene, it hit us how everything came together so well from a spontaneous decision to just keep going. Something I normally would avoid as I see it as a bad omen but again the wife’s passion and decision to make something for our son turned into a beautiful memory and day. SJC is quickly becoming one of our favorite areas simply beause there is so much to do for our son.

We stayed far long than we had planned, and this was definitely an advantage over the train as last time its scheduled forced us to make rushed decisions and while Zyan loved the train, the entire experience felt quick and temporary. The ride became the entertainment and for that day it was enough but this past weekend became more in a way that went into our core memories. Just the three of us connected, loving and enjoying each others company. For that, I am truly grateful to my wife. I look forward to many more missed opportunities that turn into something eventful

Its been a while I wrote with anger. Its an emotion I mostly work to bury due to my past. I also know that my stroke and brain surgery make me susceptible to my emotions so I have had an extensive morning routine and other habits to rein the rage inside me. But its there, and it surges through me and I realize that just like lava they get to come out once in a while except there will be damage so others around me. So back in I try to force it in. I keep it locked up. I speak to it. I beg for it not to come out, to remain locked inside, sealed so no one around me hurts except me. That I can mostly handle. The habits help. Zyan helps. Friends help. And then there are others, well no so helpful so I get to smile and bare my teeth to show my nonchalance.

I also know that when I let it out, it comes out in heaves and then disappears right away. I am unable to sustain for long whereas some around me can do for days, weeks, months, years and it amazes me that they are able to see the world in just those hues. I sometime envy them. Easier to blame others, to make others the cause of their misery rather than take accountability in any sort of way. I wish I could be that way. Easier to be the victim than to take ownership. Easier to point out what others are not doing rather than look inward. Easier to gaslight than notice what others are feeling and doing.

And so I sit here and seethe, but I also know that this too shall. I know when anger reigns, destruction follows, and the clean up takes much longer than just taking a breath, shaking your head and going back into the situation. Most of the times I am able to do that but there are times when it becomes too much and anger bursts out in rapid fire where it wants to burn it all down. Burn my life and those around me. But now I see that and the old me would have reveled in letting it burn, but this Sanjay, this not so wise but experienced Sanjay lets it out here. He speaks to those who love and respect him, who remind him of who he is really. Because there are times I get lost and believe how another sees me. Someone who doesn’t respect me, challenges me at every time. finds me inadequate, thinks I am an idiot, a doddering old fool who can do nothing right. When I let myself be seen as they see me, I shrink, I hide, keep quiet but inside angers melts a bit of my core.

In this morning quiet, anger has subsided and I am surrounded by my thoughts. The cloudy day reflects my gloom. Echoes of how I am seen still reverberate inside me, but today I get to start over. I rebuild. I shake it off, and focus on what’s in front of me. And then I try again.

One of the many things that sucks about getting older is becoming aware of death in a very real well. Not only in the form of dropping performance, aches and pains but hearing of those whose journey has come to an end. Over the weekend another friend lost their parent, the kind of loss that’s hard to explain to others who haven’t lost the one figure that has featured in the entire background of the lives. The operating system so to speak, whether or not its positive. The fact that we came from that person, and when that line severs, there is a dangling line that no longer connects, no longer can you draw from it, even if its just presence, no longer can you learn from it, share with it, hug it, hate it, love it, hold it, push it away, laugh with it and on and on the list goes because there is no one to look at you from the side.

Just an invisible person who now remains in your thoughts, and images from the past, through shared stories, and memories that seem to get harder to remember, but the pain still sharp as ever,. Each time you hear about another losing a parent, I am right back to my loss as selfish as that sounds. The urge to tug at the line again remerges except there is no one there to respond anymore. A certain quietness enters me as I go pay my respects, and if nothing else there is a knowing that can be shared but you wish you didn’t have to because losing a parent makes you that child again. No matter the age, you become that little boy or girl who just wants his support from that person.

Much of my grief is about me. I know that much. Much of my pain self inflicted which is why quietness suits me best. Its hard to explain to someone that they truly won’t understand you until they experience it but that’s something I would never wish about anyone. Its like death itself, no one will comprehend it until they are at its door and by then its too late. The regret no longer relevant, the could haves should haves meaningless in the front of that endless void. Each death a personal reminder that there is still time to do the right things, to reconnect, to love, to laugh, hug, spend time in meaningful ways not just with those around us but the ones that matter to us.

The ones we think of often and always a ping of desire comes to see them. So instead of thinking it, it is time to make it a reality, to live a life of meaning so that one day you can teach your children emotional depth so they can do better than you did. So age becomes me, and while I dont claim wisdom in the the broad sense, I am wiser, and now I am determined to ensure that my aging isn’t one of pain and regret but of action, and connection. Because I will be damned if I face my end with regret, I plan to do as Papa did with peace and by the love of his life by his side.

Zyan began his Montessori Journey almost a month, and already we are seeing the positive impact going there has had on him. I will be frank, I was a bit taken aback when he asked me to not help him pull up his pants after using the bathroom. The first few days were extremely difficult as this was the first time we left him with strangers although that I am grateful both my wife and I have large families and Zyan already experienced a huge network. I am sure that exposure allowed him to handle this new situation much more rapidly than if we had been just around us two. I now know that feeling of wanting to keep Zyan tear free at the first moment of discomfort, but swallowing that pain allowed him to grow.

Each attendance at the school brings new pleasure. The length of his sentences, the smiles, the interactions, the warmth inside our hearts watching him learn new things. It has not been without stress which was mostly self-inflicted as we both also learn to adapt to this new reality. In developing a new routine for him, we did not anticipate that it would also mean changes for us which in hindsight should have been obvious. However, all of this has led to genuine pleasure in experiencing Zyan.

One of my new habits is to constantly check the school App as they provide image updates on Zyans day. It makes us feel connected as we are able to see his day progress. The smile that comes when we see him participate, play or simply eat. It makes for a pleasant day with each update, and some anxiety for me as I truly wish for him to have stress free days. I know its my own anxiety talking, and each new day he puts me at ease that he is learning, and becoming comfortable around those who are not family or familiar. I look forward to the day he runs out of our hands with no fuss, but I also dread that day a bit because it means he perhaps needs us less.

Those are my own battles and ones Zyan does not need to face.