Sanjay Sabarwal's Blog

This past weekend, Zyan experienced his first picnic, while we also learned what we need to bring in the future, and also how to time events. Even though it was a few hours, the sheer joy of watching Zyan play filled the heart, especially watching my wife’s light up and mirror Zyan’s joy. Of course, Bella joined us, and while she snoozed a majority of the time, in those few hours, we were a complete, albeit, small family unit. It was the kind of thing that we already want more of. Just the four of us.

While we are blessed to have so much family and friends who shower us with their love for Zyan and us, it definitely was a reminder that we get to snatch these quiet times for us and our Son so we can draw love and inspiration that becomes a foundation for his emotional strength, capacity to love, learn, engage and know that he is with two parents willing to do anything for him.

So the picnic blankets becomes the metaphor of holding all four of us in an intimate space together. It hit me that it takes effort and willingness from both of us to say No to others and YES to us. The temptation to let others experience him so strong that we sometimes have missed out just being there with him. With me working remote, and my wife taking care of him during the day, there’s very little time for us as a unit. But yesterday, we made it happen.

And we will continue to do so, to have him experience new things with his parents and fur sister because this time will go fast, and we want him to know that he is loved eternally, deeply and completely by his Mama and Papa.

Happy Monday!

Some quiet finally. Zyan’s gone down for his morning nap, and the day and the week loom large in front of me. A deep breath, and all that needs to be done comes rushing at me, and for a moment, it just feels like too much. Another breath. Then another. The heart beat slows. Watching Zyan sleep peacefully on the monitor helps tremendously.

I got this. c

Its been a few weeks since I wrote, and part of the reason is that having a newborn and my recommitment to work and working out leaves me with little else. Except thats not really true either. I have chosen to take on learning more Family Law, also a Pre-Algebra Math Class (to get over my fear of Math and Prep for Zyan), and also new unique cases that are testing my knowledge and skill. And then there is BNI my weekly networking group which contributes so much to my marketing and business skills, and on the weekends, an inevitable birthday, wedding, get together and next thing I know, bam! Its Monday. As my therapist notes, I am flailing around rather than being present and focused.

A guilt also hangs around me as I know I need to do a better job of spending time with my wife. She has quietly taken on the duty of taking care of Zyan, the majority of the day, and so she has to deal with him not wanting to nap, or to be picked up constantly, or taking 30 minute naps that allow her to barely sip her coffee before it turns ice cold. Working remotely has its privileges, but it also makes it hard ignoring her struggles with him, or wanting to rush in and pacify him, knowing thats not the plan we agreed on.

But wait, there’s more. In our busyness as parents, being partners has taken somewhat of a backseat. Being home I take for granted that I know what my wife dealt with through just me hearing it, but thats not the same as being present to it. My need to do it all in a day is no longer serving me. My desire to work out 5 days a week, or spend hours learning are now luxuries that cannot overshadow being present to my marriage.

And so I get to learn to parcel it out, to parse, to break from routine, to lend a ear or a hand or just be here to my partner this Monday. Reacting to self-scheduled goals can no longer be the priority unless I include my wife into them. And just like that, some of the tension releases now that I know what I need to do. It will take time, but again when its worth it, its worth doing.

Gotta go. Zyan just woke up from a 45 minute nap!

Waking up on this today was different for once. Instead of just celebrating all the wonderful fathers and father figures,. I got to experience the love, gratitude and blessings from so many for my first Fathers Day. Of course, as I stared into Zyan’s eyes, my only other wish was for Papa to see him, to know that he will learn all the things that Papa passed onto me, from my love of music, to enjoying the first rays of the morning sun. I will teach him to be open to trying new things, to act silly no matter what age, to open to laughing at a moments notice, to show your love publicly for those who bring you joy. To be around family, and not just the immediate ones.

For a moment, my heart contracts so hard with grief, that it hurts physically. But then Zyan comes into my view, and the pain lessens. I now get to be Papa. That feeling comes instills responsibility in me, makes me want to be a better father, to impart all the goodness I inherited, to avoid my mistakes, to be open to learning, and to act with the aim of showing him all that is possible.

The day flew by as we celebrated so many great fathers, and being surrounded by so many people while receiving multiple messages for my first Fathers Day filled my heart with lasting gratitude. Besides that, my wife’s beautiful and thoughtful gifts filled me to overflowing and made me want to ensure that we keep appreciating and acknowledging each other on this new journey of ours.

It was an amazing day, made even better with the people in it, and I cannot wait for more celebrations to follow.

I hope yours was as memorable as mine! Happy Monday!

This past weekend still resonates through my body as we attended another beautifully orchestrated wedding between two souls who deeply care for each other. Truth be told, I don’t know the couple that well, but their warmth was not only contagious, but seeing their joyful faces at each event spoke way more than their words.

Of course, the star of the weekend for us was Zyan. It still amazes us how easy going he is with others, and not rattled by seeing so many different people at various events. And he troops along with us to parties, happy to be just be present. Watching him interact with others, eliciting smiles and laughter from them, makes my heart warm. But the best part is that he saves his widest smiles for the ones he recognizes. His Mama of course gets some of the largest as if mirroring her heart and how it feels for him. It is some type of special to watch them play.

And then of course, just seeing how he is with each that he knows is a special treat. He makes each feel special, and seen. An attribute that I get to learn. It is also a pleasure to watch him take it all in. From the ceilings to the lights to just life passing by. Each moment something to savor, something to see, something to experience. Its amazing to see someone be so present, a mentor in his own way, already teaching me so much. I hope I can do the same for him.

I look forward to his growth, and my own.

Early Saturday morning. Zyan’s cooing the background music for this morning. I feel a bit woozy, but blissful. Up since 4am, Zyan seems like he still wants to be at the parties, with the family members, the constant kisses, hugs, smiles and the sheer joy he provided to so many. Truth be told, so do I. A slight regret that even after taking hundred of photos, they won’t do justice to the memories created, the bonds strengthened with nieces and nephews I don’t get to see very often along with my aunts, uncles, cousins, and other people who are like family. And then the realization that my wife and I took our son on planes, our nervousness instantly dissipated when we saw him peacefully sleep through multiple flights. We have an angel in him, his many gifts to his older father and beautiful mother.

Still processing. Still seeing the images in my head. Still scrolling through all the social media posts, showcasing the incredible events. A welcome lunch with so much food that even I couldn’t eat all the varieties. Then an unforgettable Sangeet featuring Nihal Singh that went on till 3am. Then a music party featuring Indian Idol Stay Mohammad Danish which made my heart ache as I know how much Papa would have enjoyed him. Then a beautiful Anand Karaj that was entirely led by women, something I have not experienced at any Indian wedding. And finally a reception that featured surprise family performances and actually funny, sweet and special speeches. And of course, the food, drink, music, and the endless dancing. But most of all, the sheer joy of being around a couple intensely in love, both gorgeous in looks, personality and expression of themselves. Rusna truly looked like a princess out of a fairytale while her new husband Stel not only managed to be dashing at each event, but won us over with his ready smile, and acceptance of our crazy big Sikh family by not only him but his wonderful family. It made my heart swell in a way that is hard to put into words.

7 days in a new country with our 6 month old son and not once did my wife and I regret our decision. In fact, gratitude for my wife overwhelmed me at points because she allowed Zyan to be experienced by so much of my family. But what really hits home is the incredible generosity my favorite cousin and his family showed all of us by hosting us at an insanely beautiful venue, each detail attended to and taken care of. The hotel an architectural marvel, made even more so beautiful by Rusna and Stel’s presence along with the 180 attendees. Of course, my sister Sumita was a force behind the scenes in ensuring all went smooth.

So here. I sit now, the sun slowly rising, lightening the room, yet not having an affect due to our own bright moods created by Lucky and Sonia, the parents who did it again, a second wedding that we will talk about for years. It amazes me the foundation our parents built so not only are we close to our cousins, but their children as well. In Morocco, we say Shukran as Thank You, and it cannot be a coincidence that we say Shukar in Punjabi. So Lucky and Sonia, Shukar, Shukar, Shukar for allowing us to witness your amazing Daughter and Son in laws weddig.

This past weekend became one of great moments. From spending time with dear friends, playing poker, watching the Lakers win decisively, to celebrating a bridal shower, all that alone would have sufficed but then along came Sunday and an unexpected treat. Zyan got to the spend the whole day with his cousins. It has been something I have looked forward to due to my own closeness to my cousins. Watching Zyan be kissed continually by his 18 month old cousin while his 4 year cousin fed him strawberries just brings me immense joy. I have told my brother and sister in law numerous times, I cannot wait for them to grow up together as I did with my own family.

The bond of cousins can form a great foundation because although you are family, you also have an opportunity to be dear friends. You can share things with each other that perhaps you would not with a sibling or feel a closeness that can be hard to explain. Sharing moments where you get to be silly with each other, to just share time, to be around each other forms great ties that can go far in life. Whats even more exciting is that Ezra and Zyan will be close in age and distance, ensuring that they will get to spend even more time together. And judging from this past Sunday, it will be sure to be a fun time.

Just being present and seeing them do this made for a magical day, but then all of us realizing that we need to do more often just accentuated our desire for the cousins to connect like we all have with each other. It are these type of days that not only create amazing memories, but allows us to experience our children in their element as they navigate new relationships. Again, there was a sharp pang of grief that Papa never got a chance to meet Zyan, and others as well, but I am truly grateful for the network of love he is surrounded by. And as much as I want Papa to be here, these type of days make up for it.