Sanjay Sabarwal's Blog

One of the joys of Zyan has been the sheer amount of people he has already interacted with, and how wins them over with his ready smile and contagious laughter. This past weekend we finally got a chance to spend some time with dear friends, one of which I have known for over 2 decades. It is truly amazing to see him boys grow up, see him be a great father, cook, and all around amazing friend. I don’t recall a time when we have not had a good time even when its just the two of us sitting around, and chatting all the things about being a man. He has taught me so much about fatherhood, and I hope I am able to match his consistency in te way he gave so much of himself to his boys.

I already know I can count on him for sports advice as he not only taken the boys but coached their teams. There is a definitely sense of security knowing that I can pick up the phone and ask him anything no matter how basic or silly. The lack of shame is a great foundation to becoming a great father. Even now, I have begun taking a pre-algebra class to refresh and relearn all I don’t remember or never got at all. Each day has become a race to take in as much as I can support my son in all the ways he may need.

It helps that my wife is also the cornerstone of this family, the one who always seems to know what Zyan needs, and how to get to him to bed in a blink. The one who has begun experimenting with new foods, and bathes regularly (I have only half managed one time). and seeing her in that role brings me a type of peace. A fullness to our a family of four (gotta always count the Dog) allows us to create a bubble of love, affection, and gratitude. We both have been working on ensuring we are partners not just expectation that we each do a certain role. That thought process is sure to breed resentment as both of us want to be involved in ever aspect of our son’s life no matter how mundane or messy.

Each time we look at Zyan, it is hard to believe we were blessed with one who already creates so much love, joy and laughter. Each morning, I can’t wait to hear his gurgles, and coos as he talks to himself, and then upon seeing me bursts into a such a wide smile that it tears open my heart and makes it even bigger. Seeing him do that to our friends over the weekend just made feel so full of gratitude and blessings that I hope continue on this small Journey known as Zyan.

Happy Monday everyone!

This past weekend, we did one of our first nights out as adults without Zyan. Yet even prior to that, it’d become obvious that we needed to make adjustments as a couple. As someone extremely task oriented and driven to accountability, I tend to get married to my schedule, and not be as open to sudden changes. While being so focused supports in my work, it has become a hindrance as we navigate our lives with our 5 month old. I get to learn to check in, to be open to changes in my scheduling to offering support, to taking off the afternoon to take over as Zyan fights daytime naps, and insists of constant attention. That can drain a person when even the naps are short lived.

Slowly ( I mean very slowly), I now see that in order to be a good partner and as someone who works remotely. I have plenty of chances to step, to play Papa, to allow my wife some breathing room. I get to use my strength in focus and tasks to incorporate parenthood into my daily schedule. I can no longer always just be the morning and evening weekday papa. This requires communication, calendaring, and commitment. It means putting aside assumptions, sharing what matters most on certain days because my work and health tasks cannot always be a priority when they are not discussed with my wife.

When I assume, I make an ass out of you and me. It is a lesson I keep running into, and I am determined to use accountability the engine to push me forward (ergo this post.). Also, this weekend allowed us time to seek support from family to take care of Zyan (which they did happily) while we took off the night to spend time with friends and actually sleep in. Even while we were out, missing Zyan was the norm, but it underscored that we get to keep adulting if we are to the best versions of ourselves to each other and to our son.

It is a sobering lesson, and one that I aim to do better at.

Happy Monday!

The past few weeks have been a whirlwind, and today we get ready to celebrate Baisakhi even while still recovering from Easter. Zyan got to do his first event with many new people, and to say he was a trooper is understating it. Initially, we were concerned he would not like being around so many people, but his bright shining face really made him the center of attention, and while in the initial moment he was a bit overwhelmed, it took him mere minutes adjust. Mama and Papa could not be prouder.

One of our continuing joys for our son is how easy going he is, and clear on when he is not happy. As he comes into his own, and wants less and less nap time, he demands more of our attention, and we love having to give it! A true win/win where even when we dont see him for a few hours, we miss him like it has been days. Gushing like this was something I never imagined. Now I know the feeing of parents doing anything for their child, to ensure they are safe, protected, taught, taken care of, loved, read to, changed, worried about, and on and one.

Yet he continues to troop on, delighting us each day with something new. Greeting us each morning with massive smiles that just clobber our hearts, making our souls shine. Our time has new meaning in away I still am trying to process. I still am task oriented, but now one of happiest tasks is quality time with my trooper. My heart is so full, and it just meant I had to spill it out here.

Happy Friday and happy Baisakhi to all who celebrate.

One of the joys with Zyan are the many firsts that are sure to come. This past weekend marked his first attendance at a wedding function albeit it being the prayers. Appropriate, considering how blessed we feel to have him in our lives. Of course, his presence made multiple faces light up, and I hope he continues to be a joyful presence amongst loved ones.

As an obsessed parent, I cannot help smiling along with him when he shows his gums and his open smile. I cannot help feeling proud that my son shows love to all those that shower it on him. His mood can change when tiredness overwhelms from all the activity, but he hangs for as long as he can. Each day, he grows into his own person and although I recognize he is only 4 months old, he is beginning to show his own personality. He soothes himself to bed (mostly), and he is ready to greet anyone who greets him (until he isn’t). This wedding occasion established a new routine of so many new people who got to see him for the first time, and while I had to mightily resist the urge on how to hold him, he mostly stayed in the arms of the ones who held on tight, protecting him from too much hopping around.

A wedding also means a change in routine. One of things that hit me hard that there are no days off with a child (well duh!) which means weekends and days off don’t mean much. This makes routine all the more important for a baby as too much disruption in his day means a rough night (mostly for my wife), and so it will be interesting to see how we manage this. The reality is that we will not always get the schedule we want or need with him if we are to have a social life.

What helps is talking about it, and going over scenarios. Again, all new for us as we can no longer just pick up and go. It means communicating clearly, knowing our calendars, but most of all hearing what the other needs, including Zyan. So lets see how Zyan’s first wedding goes.

Happy Monday!

One of the amazing things about my son is the amount of joy he brings out in so many just by his appearance. The way the faces light up, or the way there is a momentary struggle to get him into their arms, it is truly a blessing to see the joy he creates. He is the new Santa that carries joy, spreading it with his easy smile, his infectious cooing, or just looking into his still changing eye colors. I know I am obsessed with him already, but to see the same reaction in others just makes my heart full of love and gratitude.

Even when not in the room, my wife and I talk about him longingly as we haven’t seen him in ages. For me, one of the best parts is to see my wife play with him, and the sheer laughter they share as they entertain each other. It’s something I don’t get tired of watching. And then I have my own time in the morning when he opens his eyes, and a smile lights up the face and my heart. He gifts me endlessly with wide open eyes, but the best part is him talking to me as if to say I got you Papa. I am here, and I will make you the best version of yourself.

This weekend allowed Zyan to spread so much cheer as he met so many who just plain adored him. Not only was he accommodating with being held by so many hands, but he gave out smiles and coos out like free candy on Halloween. We marveled at how well he handled multiple transitions without so much as a whimper or need to be with us constantly. He rode around in the car for over an hour to meet even more people and then let them feed and change him. Again, with very little complaint. One of my cousins even told me that he was the first to make feel joy in months since a loved one passed in her family. My heart grew two sizes more after hearing that.

At 4 months old, he not only has transformed us, but others near him who love him at sight. His presence now means love, joy and time well spent. Each day I begin now with gratitude for this precious gift. Two women made it happen. One who started the process, and one who delivered.

Watch out Claus, there is a new Santa in town.

Today’s Headspace Meditation point spoke about being grateful for the little things, from running hot water, to clothes to wear or something you desired before and now have. In that moment, I looked down to the stroller as I walked my son and dog. The sun wasn’t shining, but the warmth of his smile was more than enough to fill my world. The moment felt complete, something to hold on to forever. Years ago, this is something I could never even fathom. Don’t get me wrong, I love being uncle to so so many nephews and nieces, but this is just something else.

What makes it even better is to be able to share him with so many of them. He is now the littlest cousin, already doted on by so many, loved intensely by dozens, and it is just the beginning. And so I took in the moment, and another and another and what was supposed to be a quick stroll became a love walk. One filled with gratitude for my wife for really pushing for it, for making the big decision, for giving us this light that I didnt realize needed to shine in our lives. But she knew. Somehow she manifested it, and now we can say we are parents.

And that was another moment. To give thanks to the one that made it possible. For that, I will be forever be grateful. And in this time, I wish I had more than words to give her, and it hit me that I do. I get to not to just say I am grateful or that I love her, but to show her, to make her feel seen. And so a simple moment turns into a lifetime of counting our blessings.

And then I kept pushing my son along on his path along with our fur baby Bella.

Happy Monday