Sanjay Sabarwal's Blog

One of the hardest things about growing older is knowing that the loved ones in your life especially our friends, their parents and our relatives are likely to leave us at some point. Knowing that fact does not make it any easier. Just in the past two weeks, I got the unfortunate news of three people losing their fathers. Each time, I felt a flash of pain for my own loss, which caused me some guilt as it was so not about me. But I also know because of my experience some of their feelings, and instead of just doing platitudes, I take more action, more time to be around them, more effort to support them in their process.

Words are easy. Actions not so much. We can all say all the right things with just the tone needed, but it is in these times when doing means more. It can be picking up the phone, listening to them or just being present in their company. Sometimes a body in the vicinity can do more than to have the person repeat their story of loss. It can provide the comfort that hey you are not alone in this. Times like this, not much needs to be done except to ensure the person feels heard or comforted. Again not with words because let’s be real, too often, things are said because they are proper, but if we fail to empathize than they are meaningless letters.

I wish people didn’t lose loved ones. I so wish I had more time with my father. The two feelings can exist. I pray often that my aunt no longer coughs anymore and that my uncles gets to lay in bed and relax as he loved to, and that my friends father is at peace and loving her from above. Part fantasy, part wishful thinking but mostly a desperation that this roller coaster of life just would prepare us better, given us more warnings, more reminders to spend time with the ones we care for.

This part of growing up sucks. I look at Zyan, and I know he will see maybe a larger share of this because we stated later. Already he has not had chance to meet one of his grandfathers, and grand uncles and aunts, and it hits me that we get to ensure he experiences love the way we did from so many. That he spends time with the ones that matter to us, and knows the value of friendship, family and fraternity, that it’s not just about material things but the people who matter most. If he ends up feeling as rich as I do in relationships then I know I have done my job.

Happy Monday!

Dearest M,

Zyan is now a bit over 6 weeks old.. Each day has become a miracle, and I can’t help being grateful for your generosity and heart in being our surrogate. A few years ago, if you had told me I would be a father someday, I would have politely smiled and just said we will see, one of those things you mumble to well meaning people. There were plenty who asked oh when are you going to have kids or how come you don’t have children? It was one of those questions that I never knew quite how to answer politely or quickly without delving into my wife’s cancer history which seemed like an airing of her past and condition to which they had no right.

And for a while, we’d expected just being relatives and babysitters for others, but now we have one of ours to call son, and it is all due to a decision you made. I don’t know how but the universe connected us, and things moved quickly once they did. It wasn’t easy to keep it quiet from our loved ones, and there always was anxiety for me on whether it will come to fruition. And now it has, and all I can do is pray you get all that you ask because for your selfless act, you deserve the world.

I know I am the quiet kind but after our first holiday with Zyan, I can’t take that route anymore. It is important to let others know that there are other options to having a baby and while surrogacy may not be a fit for everyone, for us, it gave us a new life. We now live in a life of gratitude for the gift that you gave us, and I just needed to take this moment to thank you once again. Your strength was not just in your words, but the 9 months of action, and then giving us strangers something so valuable. For that, we will never forget your heart for doing this for us.

When the time comes, Zyan will also know because not only we are grateful to you, but proud of our decision to be public about our process. And so if anyone reading this has questions, don’t hesitate to send me a message, and I would be more than happy to share our journey. For now, we get to celebrate each day with our new life. And for that we have YOU to thank.

Happy 2023!

The week started off wonky enough as I had to informs a clients child of their demise, but at the time, I had no idea more changes were coming.

Yesterday my mamaji passed away at the age of 84. One of the toughest things in getting older is hearing news like this. Immediately, I got a flashes of memories of him. From the time he showed up at my boarding school in India with fried chicken to living with him for a few months in London, and thinking he was unwell because I never saw him out of the bed (he REALLY REALLY like to stay in bed) to listening to his dry humor. But where I got to know him best was through his son Bobby who not only is a mentor, brother, but someone who is missed at any family or friends gathering. He is his legacy along with his wonderful daughter, his wife and his many grandchildren. The man left us a treasure.

Both father son spoke little but listened deeply. How do I know that? Because even in their spare words, they conveyed so much. Their gift for making others laugh always surprising because of their quietness. Yet mamaji had a commanding presence, and I couldn’t imagine passing by and not greeting him. Sometimes, in large families, there are relatives that you know only by name and relationship, however my mother’s family made it so that we grew deep bonds not just with them but their children, who in turn, had children. And it only grew as we attended big birthdays, engagements and weddings. But its the funerals that hit home hard. They remind us that we are here only for a time to be determine by fate or God, that each day is a chance to live the life you want. I know mamaji certainly did. Even though the running joke about the bed sounded like we were teasing him, it contained tons of respect and love for him living his life his way.

I am blessed I recently got to see Gurcharan Mamaji, but it now hits me that my mother has lost yet another sibling. When I think of it that way, it hits hard somehow as I imagine how I would feel if it was one of my siblings. Funny how we put a distance on relationships simply because they are far in years and distance. Coming from a family of 9 (I think there were more but they passed as children), I have gotten to experience most of them. I took it for granted that no matter the bridge in time, nothing seemed to change in their love for each other and their big families. I go back to Bobby and his family, and his kids, and now we grieve but held by each other.

Each loss takes a hit but perhaps the only saving grace that we got to experience the ones gone at least. I do want my son to meet the others, to feel the love that we have, and to know that he will always be surrounded by love, near and afar, and even when time passes, the relationships don’t fade, but get stronger.

For now, that has to be enough even as the ache of losing yet another resounds in my heart.

On November 15th, our lives changed for the better in a way we did not think possible. I have a label I did not think I would ever get: Papa. Our son Zyan is already the center of our lives, and looking at him each moment makes me want to be the best parent that I can be for him. This means being healthier, open to new things such as sports, being ready to teach, share our interests, show him the blessings around him that we call our family and friends.

But wait there’s most, from the inevitable question “how much sleep are you getting?” (not bad so far) to the constant panic when he goes from his chill self to a bit whiny or a brief cry that is unusual, the wife and I are continually learning and adapting. The second question that follows is “How’s Bella coping with Zyan around? ” I am proud to say that our 14 year ol fur baby has been an absolute gem with her little brother and is usually glued to him! Both our cheeks and hearts hurt from the constant joy he already provides. Each day now has more urgency for me in terms of ensuring we contribute to his well-being, We are still learning to navigate the deluge of information out there, and are grateful that not only do we have experienced parents around us, we also know of medical personnel which for any new parent can be hugely beneficial,

But enough about that. I know want to talk about my son and to my son. I want him to know that he will be rich. Rich in experiences. In information. In learning. In relationships. In expressing himself. In family. In loved ones. i know I will struggle with wanting him to not face adversity. To stop myself from seeing him struggle. I hope my experience allows him to form his own path with less mistakes or perhaps different one, but I am also resigning myself to the idea that he may make more. And that’s okay.

My journey to adulthood took far longer than 18, but I am richer for it. I know setting random milestones is a recipe for disappointment or too much pressure so my goal is simple: to let him figure out things once we have given him the tools. But for now, we enjoy him, take him in like the fragrance that he is, and keep being grateful for him,

Welcome home Zyan. Papa loves you.

While we wait for Baby boy who looks like he wants to take his time to come into the world or like his Daddy arrive on the day he is supposed to, the wife and I got a chance to celebrate an amazing couple who have been together since their teens. Watching their two families come together even though they had disparate cultures was a sight to see, and made me believe that really when there is love, it does not matter what the racial makeup is of the people. It reminded me that far too often we spend time looking at differences, but at this wedding it was truly a celebration of what they and their families had in common.

From the sets of parents trying out Indian culture like food, clothing and rituals to seeing their overjoyed dancing and acceptances of this union. It reminded me that even the world seems like it is going crazy, it is moments like this to show me that we’ll always have love and hope if we choose to let it in. I sound like an old person saying this, but going to a wedding reminds me of so much possibility, a beautiful future, new family member additions, and strengthening of old bonds.

And as always there is gratitude for ones who made the events, and regret and sadness for the ones who couldn’t or are no longer here. So many emotions come up at these times, but it is a reminder that the new couple is on their way for a new journey, no longer just boyfriend, or girlfriend but husband and wife. And it makes me smile. We celebrated them not just for this new bond, but also a way to remind ourselves of what lies ahead.