Sanjay Sabarwal's Blog

Birthdays and anniversaries are a great way to take stock of one’s life. I know for me it becomes apparent that I need to do a life review upon those type of events. Not just milestone anniversaries or big birthdays, but annually because it begs for a moment to reflect where one is at. This past weekend marked our eleventh year anniversary, and while not a milestone by any stretch of the imagination, it definitely gave me a chance to reconnect, reflect, and review on what I have learned in my eleven years. The short answer: I got a ways to go. The other is that more I learn to communicate effectively, the better my chances on reducing misunderstanding, hurt or disagreement.

It’s a lesson I am still learning because what’s clear to me from the outset is not necessarily clear for others. Assuming the person is on the same wavelength is setting myself up to fail (which happens). Not expressing my feelings in a clear way is guaranteeing an argument. Quietly listening but not responding as acknowledgement can make others feel not heard or seen. Not speaking about what’s really going on with me is a recipe for heated disagreement on the the wrong facts.

And so I continue to learn, and hopefully grow. I still remember a line from my MITT training, what am I pretending not to know, and for me, that is that I am communicating clearly when I am more content being silent, and waiting by some miracle to figure things out. Talking it out, no matter how difficult, is the way to get to clarity and so I get to keep working on that.

Yet anniversaries are great reminders that we are plugging along, learning, growing, loving, and facing new things on the horizon.

Another quiet morning, A new week begins. The tasks written down for the week along with the daily ones spelled out for today yet uncertainty prevails. A growing anxiety for new things never done, new learnings, a distant future coming closer, another anniversary, planning for upcoming travel, I waver and keep thinking of all the things that need to be taken care of, the people to support, the goals to be achieved.

Over and over, I go over the things, my dreams filled with to do lists, but the foundation is the uncertainty, of not knowing how it will all turn out, even though experience tells me that usually things are never as bad or as difficult as I expect them to be. So really the not being sure is more a low level anxiety that pushes me forward, ensures that I don’t take things for granted. Too much of those feelings can stifle me, make me hesitant to take even a simple step or move me to procrastinate or engage in social media rather than real work.

And so it comes down to becoming aware, to focusing on the present, to defining or fleshing things out or diving into the tasks, slashing away the web of inaction and worry, creating new steps, new ways to get to my destination. There are times when the repetition of these feelings exhausts me, makes me want to continue to snooze, to lay in bed and get back to dreamless sleep, but the pounding brain and heart thrum with uncertainty so, in defeat, I fling the the blanket and get up to face the day.

And in this morning quiet, a steely determination grows, to fight the vines of uncertainty, to cut them away with tasks, action, and acknowledgment. I start a new day, inviting the lack of certainty to guide me to new goals, dreams and growth.

This past weekend, I got a lesson in patience as I house sat for my family and their dog.I realized my preconceptions made it much harder to be patient until I just let go and accepted things as they were not as I wished them to be. Over and over, the lessons present to me the same thing that once I go into acceptance, my patience increases tenfold. It is when I worry or make up stuff in my head then do I make myself feel worse, and create extra unneeded tension.

I admit I am getting better at it. No longer does my heart pound when a new client walks in with a new situation, and no longer do I feel like am imposter as a lawyer. I see large leaps in the person I have become after deciding to take a private clients and so now I stretch further in my personal life. This weekend became a great reminder that letting go of anxiety is the surest way to enjoy the present and what looked like a challenge turned in well not much of anything.

Yet I do still seem to fall into this pattern of overthinking and not accepting the way things are rather than how I wish them to be. I realize that I do myself no favors when I insist on the world being a certain way or allow my thoughts to dominate me rather than taking the time to step back and just take it in. I remind myself that patience is not just for others but for myself as well. Then when I fail to check in with my impatience, I miss the opportunity to consider what is really going on with me.

Only in the quiet of the morning do I learn the same lessons but in a different way. I get to patient not only with others but myself which allows me to grow and become a better version of myself.

We all know the cliches, its not goodbye, its see you later or until we meet again, but to the ones facing the loss, these types of words and sentiments are pretty useless. What I found supportive are just friends being around to discuss stories, have quick laughs and crys and then back again to that circle. It is how we keep memories alive of the person, first in the moments then day to day and then that person really never disappears because they are all around you. The worst part is the ones who tell you to be strong or want to know the hows and why, their morbid curiosity more important than their empath in that moment, one that makes me want to shove people out the door.

Yet it is important to remember that the ones that do show up and stick around, they are the ones that matter, the ones who show by just being around that it is okay to fall apart, to cry until the tears run dry but you can’t stop. The reality is that more and more death is around me as I get older and unfortunately now I am becoming more and more comfortable with the etiquette of death, but I truly wish I didnt know, that I was back in the bliss of ignorance but others dont have that luxury any longer.

It is hard to witness the ones who have to bear the loss far longer than you, because we have the choice to leave and let them be with their grief. My only goal when in attendance is not to amplify that sorrow in any way, to just be there, ready to share, hug, listen and just be present and not make it about it in any sort of way. It can be hard to hear others give useless advice when a person is in deep grief, but it hits m that just like my goal is to be presents, theirs could be to just get them to heal faster. The reality, the only thing that will help is remembrance and slow agonizing time to dull the pain which never really goes away. But that’s okay too because saying goodbye to a loved one is never an option.

Coming back from yet another funeral, it hits me over and over that our time here is limited, and if I don’t take life in urgency, I am merely taking up space. Looking at Facebook nowadays feels like reading the obituary as more and more people around me cease to be. As much as I have given up news, my consumption of social media has not spared me from the world, and I realize now that I get to limit myself.

It felt good to give up news in the traditional sense, yet reading about loss and other things happening the world along with the person’s political leaning gives it a sharper edge. I write all these words to avoid the feeling of loss pervading me and my friends. Dear friends lost a sibling, parents their child, and so many others a kind soul and amazing times. We walk around in a daze, but the ones who suffered the deeper loss, I cannot even pretend to imagine their pain.

Getting old sucks, but what’s worse is the realization that death will become a constant companion now. And there just is no way to pretend that loss does not hurt, does not hollow you, does not make you feel like a lesser version of you. The words don’t fit the hole created, feel lifeless against the pain of losing someone dear, creating space inside the heart that’s like an emptiness of ache. I don’t want to attend any more funerals, don’t want to grieve or see my loved ones faces etched with emotional pain, don’t want to know one more person gone from this world but alive in our hearts and minds.

Loss is never easy, but even more so when it’s sudden. When it feels random, senseless, and just not fair. And so I sit with it, hoping, praying for the pain to ease for the family and make sure to be there, to not make them feel any more alone than they already do. And to take it day by day.

It used to mean a lot to have this day with Papa, but now a sort of dread comes up because the day is supposed to be a celebration, yet inside me, yearning for the past overwhelms, the regret of not spending more time with him chokes me up, and I am l left feeling lost. It is also a day to recognize so many of those around me who are great fathers, and I now make more of an effort to honor them because before it was a more personal day for me.

I also cannot help feeling for the people who no longer have children to wish them or vice versa don’t have their fathers any longer. Those scenarios have become far too real of late, and my heart clenches for the father who is going through their first fathers day without their son. Each time the image comes to me unbidden, it takes physical effort to keep the tears down. The unfairness of it, the randomness, the helplessness all coalesce to remind me that so much can change in a moment. Things we take for granted snatched away, leaving us to cope with a lifetime of not having that person around anymore.

As much as I want to celebrate the day, it comes at the expense of the losses in my life and others. It is hard not to feel the pain of others and of my own. There are moments of laughter, smiles, small remembrances of the times, but inside is a deep wound that just will not scab over, ready to be ripped open at a moments notice. This is the new reality, and I fervently wish for the past for once when it was carefree, and we had our loved ones around us, but I also this too is part of life. I just wish it didn’t hurt so damn much.

I wish my heart wasn’t so selfish, drowning out all the good when really it is a time to celebrate. But I also know that with time, the pain may dull, and that’s all I can hope for the father without a son. That in this time of trauma, he gets some, even a little bit, of peace. That’s the best one can hope for. Time,never ending, slow time will make new paths of healing.