Author: Sanjay Sabarwal

Those close to me that I moved here last year, and I have loved the area and the things there are to do for toddlers. In fact, I’d envisioned staying here for a while, yet in the past few months, there have been some interactions with neighbors that are seriously making me reconsider. Now before I dive into that, we have some wonderful next door neighbors, and I couldn’t but help bragging to friends and family as to what a great neighborhood we have.

So these recent events just shook me. The first which took place a few months back as I was walking my dog. I saw the neighbor out with some workers in front of his yard. Bella, of course, decide that was the time to go, and began to do her business while I pulled out the poop bag to clean up. And then he began yelling “Why the fuck does your dog always shit on my yard.” My instinct was to correct or explain that we havent been around here in weeks, but looking at his face, I knew that nothing I could say would clear up the story in his head. I mumbled an apology while I picked up the shit, and he continued “you know I have killer dogs in my house that will tear your little shit up.” And that viscerally shook me. Shame coursed through me for not saying anything as I picked up Bella and walked away. It took weeks for me to accept that not responding was the right approach.

Then a few days ago, I was out with Zyan and we were walking down the hill. Zyan decided to walk up the stairs at a house and then run down the small hit alongside it on the driveway. His giggles filled the morning air. Then the neighbor came out, and I said good morning thinking he came out to greet us. Instead, he goes “hey I noticed you are letting your daughter (a common mistake due to his fair) run up and down the stairs. She could hurt herself. I nodded yes, and he continues “you dont get it, do you, this is our property.” Hearing that my heart sank, and yet again nodded, picked up my son who yelled to be put down, and walked away.

What kind of world is it that has a problem with a 2 year old running around in joy? Yes the lawyer in me heard heard his concern about liability except thats not what he meant because he also asked if I lived around here. And he didnt invite us in so we wouldnt be entitled to compensation anyway (again my lawyer logic), but it hurt my heart deeply to know I am doors down the street from petty people like this. It’s truly made me reconsider making Fullerton my permanent home even though so much of it has been wonderful.

I hope I feel differently (or get new neighbors)

I love the smell of a blank page, and the blinking icon. The past few years, I have just been sitting and letting my fingers do the talking. A moment pops in my my mind from yesterday morning as I watched Zyan play with this toys. His intense concentration on each piece, and then effortlessly moving onto another as it was completely new just fascinated me. Then it suddenly hit me that I am watching my son play. My son. Words that I didnt think possible, and my eyes filled up. The week had been intense, keeping me busy with a lot of legal work, and then that realization hit as well that Papa would have loved to hear me say that.

In that intense moment, gratitude, sadness and love flooded me, and this is why I love the blank page. Reflecting further, I could say proudly i have come a long way. From doing 5am crossfit class 5 days a week to working on my personal essays, and making sure to spend quality time with my wife and son. To be in support with errands, to acknowledge her hard work with Zyan all day while I am not there. This growth lends itself to a meaningful life. The one thing I dont do is compare myself to others, just my own past efforts and accomplishments. The real competition will always be me.

Yet again, my hands allow me to grow into a better father, husband, son, brother, friend and worker. Its allowing the quiet moments to reflect that can show you how far one has come. Too often, we can just keep looking forward, feeling like that we are behind and not living up to out potential, forgetting that life isnt a video game where only one ending matters, its a continuous puzzle that you get to keep putting together.

Growth means stepping over your discomfort, denial, and desires and going to the land of pushing forward to a different you.

Yesterday, I finally got a chance to take Zyan to the Children;s Museum in the City of La Habra, and I was truly blown away. I’d hesitated taking him because I believe he was far too long, and would not enjoy himself, however once we entered, I changed my mind instantly. Not only do they have amazing information, it is displayed in a way to encourage touching and exploring. It felt amazing to see so many others with their young ones too, Generally, Zyan is the youngest when we go places, but not so here. From an amazing art illuminated wall, a car the kids can sit in, to trying on firefighter uniforms to a carousel specially made for young kids, I probably was as excited as Zyan to be there.

One of my. main joys of being Zyan’s father has been searching and then discovering new things for us to do on weekends. I know my time with him is limited and I can’t wait to continue exploring with him. My only regret was that I did not bring my nephew Ezra along who loves dinosaurs, and the museum has several great exhibits just on that along with relatively large species displayed on their lawn. I cannot wait to bring him so he too can share in the excitement.

I already looking forward to taking him to Discovery Cube in Santa Ana, and really anything that lets him run around and simply enjoy himself. My only agenda is him seeing different things, and really for myelf as well. Yet again, I cannot help feeling my heart grow bigger because of these chance field trips that yield so much joy!

Happy Monday!

This past extended weekend allowed me to live out my fantasy of being an active father to Zyan which allowed both of us to try new things. What one of the main reasons I am falling in love with our new home has been the ready access to so many active outdoor things to do. On 4th of July, I took Zyan to the Tracks at Brea, which is a 4 mile trail made especially for easy hiking, biking as well as running. While we didnt cover the entire trail, Zyan was happy to go along for most of it and then used the outdoor gym as his own playground. It truly surprised me to see many using the trails at 8am on a holiday of all days. Then later on that day, I took him for his first car wash and McDonalds, and what filled my heart with joy was the fact that he enjoyed his orange more than the chicken nuggets. He truly epitomizes his grandfather who loved fruit. Then we ended the day with a picnic with his cousins, and it just made for a perfect ending to a full day.

July 5th allowed me to take Zyan to first non paved hike at Panorama Nature Preserve which is located in Fullerton, an easy trail with some inclines, but the views were spectacular. Watching Zyan stomp around in glee on the gravelly path just made me want to come back again and soon. Then the beautiful wife recommended this gem located in La Habra, and Zyan got to attend his very first Splash Pad. It ended up being a perfect introduction for Zyan to get used to playing in water, and then we ended the day again in a pool where he waded right in as if he was born to be in there. The true fun was not the pool but his interactions with his cousins, and it fills the heart to see them share so much laughter together.

Reflecting over the weekend last night, I realized that Zyan is already building his own relationships with his loved ones, and one that gives me assurance that should anything to either or both of us, he will never be alone. Perhaps a morbid thought, but it still makes my heart full!

This past weekend we celebrated someone who I have had the pleasure seeing go from a baby to a sassy, intelligent, caring, and overwhelmingly loving being. To think that Zara is just turned 6 makes me envy the times I had with my nephew and nieces Maya. Raina, Kavan and Hansa. I was blessed to enjoy them, but until Zara it didnt hit me how lucky I was for being a young uncle but not so young that I don’t feel a certain protectiveness over each of them as if I was their parent.

Each meeting with Zara always contains a chance to feel joy, be seen, and just a chance to see a growing personality that is far older than 6. Seeing her play with her younger brother Ezra and now her cousin Zyan fills my heart with strong emotions that sound inadequate to call just love. Its a bursting kind of amazement, happiness tha threatens to choke my heart. The same feeling I had when I was a Mamu now being called uncle fills me with same kind of ensuring she is safe and take care of.

And she is, the breadth of her clan is already deep, all thanks to her parents efforts to ensure that she knows that she will NEVER be alone, and that family is not simply defined by blood but by time and shared moments. Her birthday wasnt just a celebration of her coming into our lives, but a continuing affirmation of being witness to a beautiful soul who makes so many around her happy.

Her presence has allowed me to relive moments with my own, but in a way that feels like natural outgrowth into seeing her the same. I proudly tell everyone she is my niece, but really she is. Happy Birthday Zara. Sanjay Uncle loves you (and your ofcourse your favorite Bhua)

A gloomy Monday, yet the weekend sparkled beginning early Friday as we got to spend time with so many loved ones, catching up with someone, sharing Zyan with others and then doing some family of 3 time and ended the weekend by having Zyan spend time with his cousins at Balboa Village. It is times like these that create the lasting memories we will look back at fondly, and to think, it just came from simply yes to the opportunity rather than finding reasons not to do it.

With the recent onslaught of blessed work, it has also limited my time during the week to do the things I truly enjoy which of course involve my wife and son. I look forward to the unstructured time I get with him from the morning till his bedtime. I also get to experience things I haven’t done before (like Balboa, or Yorba Linda Regional Park or the Santa Ana Zoo.) Every new thing for him also becomes something new for us, allowing us to build new routines that encourage his curiosity and giddy laughter

As the days fly, I am constantly striving to be present in Zyan’s life. I don’t just want to be a weekend dad all the time. I also get that until I get to have my systems down, this will be my new reality. That knowledge is pushing me this month to really take a hard look at what the gaps are for me at work, and at home, and then work on finding fixes so we can have more perfect weekends like we just did. I am addicted to the collective smiles, conversations, and laughter we shared, and I am determined to make that my routine!