Sanjay Sabarwal's Blog

This past friday, I got a chance to realize that preparation requires me making no assumptions, means me practicing, means me not telling myself I am ready when I am unable to state things with confidence in a new setting to a stranger. It hit me that I was gave myself a pat on the back too soon, the little nervousness had appeared too late and did me a bit of damage, and so now I get to learn, be sure not to repeat the same mistakes.

The old me would just keep beating myself on mistakes or things not done, but now I am eager to take it all in, to learn, to grown, to know what to expect, to see myself with compassion instead of derision but also with clarity so I am not giving myself free passes. There is no point in doing difficult or new things if I don’t grow from them, don’t add things to my knowledge base, don’t repeat them, or get to know myself better in a similar situation.

I still tend to talk fast when nervous or unsure. I still try to rush through things, afraid of being challenged, or getting hamstrung when I am challenged. So I continue to push myself into uncomfortable things because that is the only way I see myself clearly instead of convincing myself that everything will work out. Because sometimes they don’t and I get to learn to be prepared to either fail or succeed, but at the end of the day, preparation matters. It always has, but how I define it has changed.

Happy Monday.

This weekend it hit me that I had not paid attention to how I had been doing with my habits for the past few months. Well not exactly true, I’d been tracking them using the Clear Habit Journal, but had not posted publicly how I’d fared. August September, I did pretty well on my meditation and journaling, sporadic on not drinking on the weekdays and stretching, a lot better on my new habit of taking vitamins (Zinc, Fish Oil and Alpha Lipoic), and needed to improve my water intake. I realized that often the habits I did only 70% of the time were ones I either didnt want to do or didn’t remember to.

I didnt plan on Taco Tuesdays or get togethers with friends or just feeling like a drink after a hard day, so I get to check in with myself and see what the story is I make up about drinking on the weekdays because that’s what it is. I also know that when I do drink even when its only one or two, I am groggy the next day which makes me not want to wake up at 5am to workout.

October I added the habit of eating fruit daily and that has been a game changer in terms of making that the firs thing I eat to break my intermittent fast of 14 hours. I want to get up to 16 hours, but then again I noticed that when I do drink or don’t work out or stretch, I tend to snack and eat not so well on the weekends. So there is work to be done.

I only have 2 and half months left till I hit 50, and I do want to be the best version of myself. Maybe I am fooling myself, but its okay as long I continue to hit my goals I am good with my effort.

New month, new me. Happy Monday

This past week, I managed to damage an incredible relationship I have had with a group of friends that I have known for over seven years. We were certain we would be lifelong friends, but now I am not so certain due to my own rash actions. Even though I apologized and really heard them (as painful as it was), it does not come close to my rash decision and what pain it caused for them. Now things do pass, passions calm down, and I know it may not seem as serious as now, but I am truly not sure.

This is a pattern in my life that sometimes serves me, but more often than not leads me down a path of expecting others to act the way I want them to act. Yes my routines, actions, journeys, goals support me, but they also tend to cause me to judge others and not see them in their beauty, their journey. As much as I keep saying there is no right or wrong, I still lean towards judgement when really empathy, awareness and maturity are needed. There is also the presumption that my way is the right way, and while it may be for me, it really does not mean it is for others.

So now I worry, and am in deep regret because my selfishness and holier than thou attitude hurts the ones I really care about. Is it the end of the world, no. But it could be the end of the friendship unless I make amends and meet them where they are at without judgment, without making it about me and my journey, and just be a good friend. It will take a long time to repair something that I broke in seconds. But I have no one blame but myself. As much as I don’t realize it, I still have a lot of growing up to do.

This weekend turned out to be one of tastings, from whiskey to brunch to an actual desi movie (my first in a theater in 2 years). It can be easy to focus on the things I am not doing (not going to different destinations), but more and more I am also choosing more things to make myself uncomfortable (like signing up for the Long Beach Marathon next year), and looking into doing my first triathlon.

I am looking forward to a trip I have planned in January, and I can’t wait to see how this year ends. Between the uncertainty. the paradoxes of seeing the politics for many of my friends (and my own), I am even more determined to staying open, to learning, to getting curious.

On Friday, I ended an accountability call that has been going on for almost 6 years, and while I regret as to how I ended things, I don’t regret the decision because I became too judgmental and wanted too many things that the group could no longer provide. Seeing how I ended it tells me I have a ways to go in communication and decision making. It felt wrong the way I did it, and there is a chance to make that exit better.

As much as sometimes it seems life is static, when I do these posts I am yet again reminded of how blessed I am with the people in my life. That no matter life goes on, and its important to mark occasions even as simple as whiskey tastings, or going to brunch or watching a funny indian movie with the wife and friends, It’s what makes life worth living.

Happy Monday!

This past weekend, I learned one of my biggest lessons in frustration and idiocy. As I have mentioned before I’d been training for the Long Beach Marathon for the past 3 months. The last week of training, my unofficial racing coach advised to take it easy and not do crazy “crossfit” like box jumps or deadlifts and of course, but were programmed and I did them both. Luckily, the box jumps were on a monday, but the deadlifts were too good to pass as it mean I could set a new PR. All rationality left my mind, and my ego hijacked my body as I strained and got myself a new personal record of 345 pounds times 3. The first two lifts were fine, but on the third, I felt a unusual twinge and immediately I felt pain. But my pride and ego continued to damage me because instead of bowing out of the workout AFTER the lift, I did the recommended weight of 185 for 35 reps, ensuring that whatever chance I had of not causing more pain evaporated.

Thanks to my chiro and wife, I managed to rest and ice, but on the day of 13.1 mile race, I grew nervous as my back felt sore. The first mile I was tentative at 13 minute page, and as I warmed up I went to a 12 minute 30 second pace, and it felt like all was well until my back seized up around mile 8 and I knew I was in trouble. Thankfully, I managed to finish the run, but I couldn’t help shaking the feeling that I could have done so much better.

I forgot to really tap into gratitude for the fact that I managed to run so much in pain. I wanted to overlook my accomplishments, because to me, as I get closer to 50 I am driven to do better, to be the best version of myself. And that rush may cost me. So I get to slow it down, to not rush to 50, to not get caught up in the numbers but live the life I am meant to be and be damn proud of it!

Happy Monday!

Five years. It’s been five years since I heard your laughter or seen your smile or the way you cut fruit to hand out or how you grew you gardened or we discussed yet again why I wasn’t practicing law, or watching you tease mom or make funny noises, anything and everything to make those around you laugh.

It never occurred to me how working with you at Ziba Music would stay with me for the rest of my life, you managed to teach me so much even though I resisted fiercely, convinced my way was better when all along I now manage to emulate you in so many ways. So much time wasted in being right when just being present was enough.

So many times we speak of you and it’s just with longing or laughter or remembering the way you made us all feel. You filled the home with so much of yourself, left so many things for us to remember you for and about, and even now its hard to believe its has been 5 years since we last spoke, hugged or I called you Padre.

Yet with time the sadness dulls, but the fondness grows. The time doesn’t heal. but it makes it clear of how much you touched all of us. The grief comes out in random ways, yet it does not suffocate like it used to. We continue sharing stories, and keeping you alive in our own ways, and at the end of the day, that’s all matters.

Love you Padre. Love you Papa. Miss you more more than words could ever say.