Author: Sanjay Sabarwal

This past weekend began with us attending our nieces holiday program, and dinner with the family which Zyan actually made through. It warmed my heart to see him spend time with his cousins especially Ezra who is a year older than him, and I cannot wait for them to become best friends. It was just a sign of the weekend to come. On Saturday, it was a me and Zyan night while during the day was just the four of us, making me looking forward to even more days where we spend quality, focused time on our small little family while also receiving love from our huge hearted families.

The best surprise came on Sunday as my cousin was in town from London with her kids and seeing the interact with Zyan along with my niece Hansa and Kavan made for a very special day. The amount of attention and love showered on our son filled our hearts and reminded us how truly lucky we are with so many involved and rooting for Zyan. Sitting back and reflecting on this past weekend, I can’t stop smiling as. none of the weekend was planned, but it came out beautifully.

Its moments like these that give me the strength to know that even if I am not here, Zyan will be fully supported by all of our family. Part of being a lawyer for me is thinking of the worse case scenarios, and perhaps its a bit morbid to think about this during the holidays, but a lot of my living now is full of wanting to devote myself to making Zyan feel as loved as possible, to protect him from trauma, to teach him strength in all its different shapes, to have him be open to speaking up what’s inside of him, but most of all to be comfortable in his own skin and his life choices.

It feels surreal to say this but the Holidays have taken on an even more amazing quality to them now that Zyan is in our lives. Moreover, the holidays are also a great reminder of how truly blessed we are to have so many cheered by his mere presence. It pushes me to keep being a better version of myself, ensure that I can give him all that I had and more, and that 2024 is one for the record books. It means better health, better habits, learning new things, teaching him new things. creating new routines, sticking to them, creating a wider work network so I keep getting the referrals so ultimately it comes back full circle: which is being the best parent possible.

So while the holidays invite celebration, they also are a good foundation to lay the next year on by learning what worked this year and what didn’t. I am grateful for my accountability groups, my wife, my family and friends, all of whom push me to be the best version of myself. And so I go into these holidays with gusto, knowing that there is so much good I have experienced and that I get to experience. It makes for exciting times, and I hope to transfer that same joy into Zyan.

Zyan and the Holidays, what a beautiful, beautiful treat!

On Saturday, I was asked what my favorite moment has been with Zyan, and I realized I lied or more accurately I have a woefully inadequate answer. I should have simply said “All of it.” Each and every second with Zyan has been an opportunity to grow, to learn, to feel my heart expand, to exchange smiles with my wife when we both catch each other admiring him, to changing his diapers to his whining when he doesn’t want to be put down.

All of it. From the smiles to the tears, to the bumps, to the walks to the park, or up the hills. I am more and more determined to be the fittest version of myself for him. Not ego. Not for me. For him. I get to be around for as long as possible and in a meaningful way so he can continue to teach me. From sports to chess to a million other things I never thought to try because I was afraid or ignorant. No not for him. All of it. We get to do all of it.

Being there for his first minutes to the 1st birthday. All of it. Continuing onwards, I want to be present for it all. Each day he manages to teach me something new. I also learn now how to be a husband AND a father. Mother and son (and dog) makes us a family of 4. So my favorite moment is Zyan. All of him. I can’t wait to see what destination we reach on this journey of life.

Some more firsts, and it helps that its so close to Zyan’s birthday as he has lit up our lives in so many ways that it becomes hard to remember life without him. A busy weekend where it seemed all we did was marvel the time we have with him as he was surrounded by friends and family. Where ever he went, a light followed up, and the eyes and hearts of so many, blessing him for his very first Diwali. I shared this video with so many because its ideas resonated with my deeply. I am constantly in battle with my ego versus others, and I know it does not serve me well. When I allow that demon to possess me, I cannot think beyond myself.

Zyan coming into my life has made me realize that his Diya makes me heart brighter, lighter and full of love for others. And now we have his birthday to look forward to, and now the year end will mean even more to us. We are so blessed for the family and friends we get to spend the holidays with, but now are just brimming with gratitude that we have added to that circle with our Zyan, our little king of our hearts.

This past week has been a mishmash of good and bad reminders. A dear friend is yet again in the hospital, and another experienced some scary symptoms which enforced for me the need for balance in one’s life. I tend to over reward myself when I do something good like eating till my stomach feels like an additional appendage, or justifying not making alternative choices when I cannot attend the gym. With the added stress of being a solo practitioner, it has become crystal clear to me that I can only ignore or deny only so many missteps with my health. With age and parenthood come constant instances for chances of being mindful, of recognizing whats truly going inside me, of not giving myself (and those dear to me) a pass simply because it feels easier. I want all my loves to be around for as long as possible.

And then I had a great reminder in celebrating the birthday of a truly kind soul. Megha is the type of person who randomly will text me to ask me how I am doing. I admit, at first, I was taken aback as I assumed she was just my wife’s friends, but over the years, it’s become clear that she is a staunch supporter of those she cares for. In her own unassuming way, she’s managed to not just become a friend, but someone Zyan will call and see as family. Quite a feat considering the size of both of our families, but then again, not a surprise when one considers how thoughtful her words, actions and gifts are. She makes you feel heard and seen. Those in her life are also fiercely guarded of her heart and genuine nature because it’s not often someone so true to you comes along. Happy 40th Megha!

And then of course, today is our first child Bella’s 15th birthday. She was my gift to my wife when I proposed to her, and 15 years later, she has borne witness to all the milestones in our lives. It’s surreal and touching to see her interact so calmly with Zyan. As much as I bitch and moan about taking her for walks, or picking up her treats, I truly cannot imagine a life without her in it. Happy Birthday Bella!

And then we were done. First Halloween with Zyan in the books, and our hearts couldn’t be fuller. As much as he hates putting on clothes (maybe he’s a former nudist), Zyan took on two costume changes like a champ. At first, we were the pirate family and of course, he was the star for the night, and then dear friends gave us another surprise costume that stole my heart as he became a boxer. As a huge Rocky Fan, and having the same lip as Stallone, the costumer immediately had an impact on him, but seeing Zyan huge toothy grin just made me utterly, simply, stupendously, delirously fall in my love wth my son.

Each moment with him has become one of practicing gratitude in as his mere presence just brings us so much joy. Neither of us can stop smiling. He is the reason to be the best version of ourselves. Each morning I watch him play, and it feels as if my heart gets bigger with time. Promises, visions, experiences pop up in my head as I am determined for him to experience as much as possible. I grew up lucky in many ways, but immigrating to a new country as a 12 year posed some unexpected challenges like never learning a team sport that would build a foundation of grit, confidence, and the easy feeling of having people who share similar experiences.

The past weekend became again a time of cousins spending time together, making me wish impatiently to see how their relationship will bloom into a true friendship like mine and my wife’s did with our extended family. Celebrating my brother in law’s birthday, and seeing all of us getting into the spirit of dressing up added yet another level of joy I didn’t expect.

And so I enter today with a heart, mind full, ready to take on what the legal challenges of my work!