Author: Sanjay Sabarwal

Yesterday while walking Zyan alongside Artesia Blvd, I entered into a dream like state as I allowed all the thoughts in my head to crash inside skull like waves, each thought there for a moment, and then receding while another took over. It hit me that there were so many missed opportunities in my work that needed my attention. I declared a lot of things in order to create a solid financial future for my family, yet there was so much low hanging fruit that had not been touched.

With each step came more things to take care of, but not in a worrisome way, as if with the walk came a clarity for how to make it happen. My weighted vest felt light, and as Zyan bobbed his head to the music playing near him, in my head, a list began to form. Declarations are well and good, but without focus and action, they remain unreachable visions in my head. The key is not to make so many declarations that they become overwhelming and disheartening, but they also need to be just beyond my reach to force me to grow and learn.

The walk energized me further. The sky overhead, the buildings nearby, the distant muffled conversations all merged into a singular path forward. Too often, I don’t allow myself the luxury of just letting the mind loose. I get caught up in fear rather than flow even though the latter is what serves me best. Yesterday’s walk became a great reminder of that.

Happy Monday!

And Zyan marches ever so closer to an already year for us with him. Each day a joy because we see him smile, his silly laughter, the way he explores, examines, loves, kisses. and stands. Each thing he does a miracle even though to others it’s probably just normal. Impossible to believe how much joy he brings to the ones in his life. Each time a new family member or friend sees him, a light comes on their faces. And I cannot help just keep repeating Shukar. Shukar. Shukar.

I keep hearing that the times flies fast, and I now know what they mean. We are taking it in, letting him sleep on our chests, snuggling us, not realizing how he has already become a part of us, something that will remain forever. Each holiday already now a bit brighter because he is in them. And I just can feel my heart expand, and I look at her, and we share those moments together because finally, finally we are Papa and Mama.

Nothing can change that designation even though we have been blessed to also be uncle and aunt, mama, and bhua, and even phuparji, all those relationships prepared us for our 11 month old. As I type this, his laughter gurgles around the room. making these words fly out of me because I cannot wait to envelop him, and thank Waheguru for allowing this joy named Zyan.

This will be our third move within 4 years, but the first in a while that will lay the foundation of a home for Zyan. After renting for almost 4 years, we are now official residents of Orange County. And of course, just like the previous moves, Moving day took me by surprise by my lack of planning and seeking support. Even though my wife repeatedly told me to be ready, my hubris, not being present, and allowing other tasks get the better of me led to 3 people moving all the items while my poor wife spend weeks putting everything in boxes.

Call it resistance, denial or avoidance, but reality not speaking about it, not asking for support, not admittig that I am way over my head keeps coming back to bite me in the ass. Even on they day of the move, only when brother in law suggested getting some movers and Uhaul truck did it hit me that I was making the move way more difficult than it needed to be. I still didnt do as he suggested and so I spent the entire day moving iteams that in hindsight could have been done in a few hours with a few more hands.

So an opportunity to learn and grow, but at the expense of frustrating others and making then feel unheard is not a good look. Too often, I get stuck in my head with my own todo tasks, instead of taking the time to see what others may need at the moment. I considered myself a great supporter, but lately I have been the one that needs the support except I didn’t know it. I get to do better.

Step 1 will be to involved in setting up our new home, Zyan’s first house 🙂 Happy Monday

This past weekend, my wife, and I along with Zyan got to spend an entire weekend with my wife’s cousins from out of town. What followed were hours of laughter, sharing of stories, moments, laying a deeper foundation for our children to experience our larger family, and creating new opportunities to visit each other and further deepen these bonds. The time went quickly as it always does when its with people you want to be around, and it warmed my heart to see the kids take to their aunts as if it was the most natural thing in the world.

Its times like these that become the memories we relish and discuss over and over again, cementing them into to this beautiful web called family. It also ends being a weekend that ends far too soon, and there is a pang of regret that it took so long for this to happen. As I get older, and I am around Zyan, I want him to have the same endearing relationships I have with my own cousins, after all, they end up being our first close friends, then ones we share intimate thoughts with as we figure out our lives.

I still cherish the summers I got with my cousins when the whole house filled up, and where we all wanted to sleep in the same room, the mattresses and bed sheets spread throughout the living room as we stayed up late being silly, and just enjoying each others company. This weekend, I had the adult version of that, and its still as much as fun as I remember the times as a child.

I guess when you really want to be around the ones you care about, not much can stand in the way of that. Happy Monday!

The times where I long for the morning quiet long gone. Now that silence is buffeted by your gurgles, shouts and coos. I look each few seconds to where else you have managed to get yourself info. Each innocuous space for you holds immense curiosity and if you can grab it, you do, and if you can pull it down, even better, or the best part when you can put in your mouth. You ignore my “chi chi chi” (trying to avoid saying the word no), and then I try again in my not so great Punjabi to do something else.

So you have become my morning routine, the one I look forward to, the one where its just me and you, and I get to hold you and marvel that you are really here, and you are mine. Ok, ours. But morning time, you are mine. And at 10 months you are such a joy that I cannot wait to see what the future brings. I wince as I move a bit quicker to get the remote out of your hands, a painful reminder that I am not getting younger, but you are also bigger and heavier, more mobile, soon perhaps too soon, I may run out of breath, but not for your Son, not ever. You are now life, and I dedicate myself not only what I benefitted from, but also whatever else you want to strive for.

At 10 months, you already impress me with your rush to get to walking, but what puts me in awe is how easlily your mama makes taking care of you seem, when it is a lot of work,. There are times that I feel I dont know enough, but thats where your mama shines, filling in the gaps, teaching me, allowing me to learn and grow with you. With us. A whole unit finally, Just the four of us. Me Mama, Bella, and You. Always You. Happy 10 Zyan,. Papa Loves You.

This past weekend I got a chance to finally try my hand at Golf (ok for the third time ever), and the only I could manage to reduce my score was to take shots (one stroke off) or drink beer (half a stroke for each). I needed as much help as possible considering I missed the ball on my first try most of the time or manage to almost hit my teammates twice! Meanwhile my Zyan celebrated his first Raksha Badhan with his 7 sisters, and a part of my felt left out and jealous, but I also felt immense gratitude to my wife graciously agreeing to take him there while I did this boys thing.

The crazy part is that these are my old friends from my old Crossfit gym, and its become crystal clear to me that they will be in my life for a long time to come. Who knew that in so much pain, a deep friendship can grow just from miserable shared experiences of picking up heavy weights or doing cardio that makes you want to throw up?

The weekend provided me a moment to talk shit, act silly, laugh at dumb jokes and be glad to share drinks with crazy guys who I am proud to call great friends. It makes it even better that my wife sees in them what I do, good hearted people who truly care for their friends, and also love to hang out with each other.

Coming home exhausted, and swearing I am never going to golf again (until next time), I also could not help feeling grateful to my wife for ensuring I could have days like this, who did it all without without complaint, who makes taking care of Zyan look easy, and I felt full of love for these moments around me.

Happy Monday!